Tai Chi, Tai ME

Stand. Breathe. Relax. These are the words my tai chi teacher says to our class during the sixth lesson. Stand. Breathe. Relax. Even writing these words I can feel the tenseness in my body depart. So much noise and static that it is often hard to let the body be open to what is possible, to the divine. So, let me tell you a story.  In September of this year I signed up for twelve lessons of tai chi ch’uan. I wanted to add this spiritual practice to my chanting, prayer and yoga. Chi or qi in the Mandarin dialect of Chinese literally means “air” or “breath”. The art of tai chi is said to improve the flow of Chi (Qi), the traditional Chinese concept of energy or life force. Who wouldn’t want to do that?! 

Stand. Breathe. Relax.

Taking tai chi wasn’t a whim but something I had been thinking about for a long time. In 1985 during a visit with my friend Elisabeth Frolet at her parents home in Seillans, France I had my first glimpse of the practice. Her mom, Jacqueline, was taking tai chi lessons and asked me if I wanted to come along. My French wasn’t good enough to understand the instructor’s words but I could follow the movements. When I left Seillans it was with a book on tai chi and a desire to learn more. Much in life though is dependent not just on desire but on discipline and devotion. What path would this journey take?

Stand. Breathe. Relax.

Back home I searched but couldn’t find anyone teaching near me. Could it be I wasn’t ready yet? Years went by. As one of my sister-in-laws, a friend and an acquaintance began learning tai chi I was reminded it was still on my “things to do” list. In July 2011 my friend Debra Kolodny wrote about her tai chi practice on Facebook. There is something special about obtaining a teacher who has inspired someone you know. I asked who her teacher was and she told me about Mike Ward. There is an old adage, perhaps of Buddhist origin, that says “when the student is ready is the master will appear”. I felt I was getting closer.

Stand. Breathe. Relax.

It would take another year but at last I was on the path, enrolled and on my way to my first class. One last test. I thought I knew where the class was but when I showed up that turned out to not be the case. I called the instructor but got his answering machine. I emailed my friend in Portland on Facebook to no avail. I walked the streets asking anyone I saw but no luck. I decided to give up but still I kept walking. A car drove by and stopped. It was the mother of a student from six years ago and she wanted to say “hi” and wish me a happy Jewish new year. On a whim I asked if she knew where the class location of my class was. She drove me there. Luck? Fate? Kismet? In giving up had I relaxed and become open to the possible? Who can say.

 Stand. Breathe. Relax.

I am learning now with a formal once a week lesson and practice on my own. There are the principles of relax, body upright, separate the weight, flexible waist and fair lady’s wrist/beautiful lady’s hand to absorb. Each new posture taught builds on the previous one. I am learning just like the young children I work with. After the first lesson I wanted to run home and write a blog but I didn’t. I decided to wait. Now I have just finished lesson ten and it is right to post some words. For me I have found tai chi is prayer that moves the body, it is yoga dancing, it is a moving meditation and it is chanting without words. I am only beginning and yet that is enough. I have practiced at home and at my work. I have practiced in the midst of trees and leaves. I even practiced while waiting to vote in the presidential election. The week of Thanksgiving there was no class so no new posture. Instead we took a break to give thanks. Amen.

Elul Cleansing

The month of Elul has now passed and the new Jewish year is here. The time before a new year, a new job, or a new week is a perfect time to reflect, to search our soul, to look back and to cleanse. How have we strayed away from the path? What behaviors do we want to rid ourselves of? What are the positive things we want to nurture? One Jewish tradition is to really focus on this cleansing during the month of Elul. Here is a window on my journey.

Sun and Water

My Elul cleansing this year began in the swimming pool of a friend. I lay on my back in the waters and watched the sun go down. Back and forth, back and forth, the waters held and supported me as I asked myself the questions mentioned above and did a review. It felt right. It felt good. It was a beginning but I knew there was more. It was going to be a process. My job was just to let it happen.

Moon and Death

Then a young friend died. It was unexpected and a bit shocking. I discovered death too can assist in the cleansing process. At night I looked as the moon shone white in the sky. I saw the moon as life and the blackness around it as death. While the waters had been warm this felt sharp. While the waters had enveloped me safely this was piercing and lonely. If I was to die right now what would people say and remember about me? How was I using my gift of life? What did I need to change?

Clouds and Mountain

I needed to go where the land would hold me. I would go up into the mountains. I walked through the forest of trees examining their roots as well as my own. I saw turtle, deer and bear trying to decide if this too had some lesson for me. Some things seem like they can’t be changed. Perhaps, but other times it just takes more work. As I came to this conclusion after a hike and sitting on boulders overlooking a vast plain I was promptly surrounded by a cloud, a blanket of many tiny water droplets. Safe but still not finished.

Full Circle

Up to the mountains and now the strong pull was to go to the ocean. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. I once more was laying on my back in the waters only instead of chlorine the were full of salt. I realized I had come full circle. In this place was the water, the land, the sun, the moon and the clouds. The assistance of the elements was complete. Dolphins swimming in the nearby waves and gulls flying overhead confirmed it was time to move on. The process wasn't over and never would be but now it was time to enter the new year. L'shanah tovah tikvatenu. Always the hope for a good year. 

Eating Vegan for the Nine Days

Tisha b'Av,  the ninth day of the Hebrew month of Av,  is a day of mourning that commemorates the destruction of the first and second Temples and other calamities in Jewish history. Tisha b'Av is one of the fast days in the Jewish calendar and the nine days that precede it are days of mourning and preparation. There are restrictions about activities of pleasure, laundering your clothes, and it is traditional to not eat meat nor drink wine. This year for the nine days leading up to Tisha b'Av I decided to go on a strictly vegan diet. 

Part of preparation this year was shopping for the 9 days on Rosh Chodesh Av.

The nine days are all about preparation and mine is to do research, read text and then meditate. Whatever day I am observing may be the same each year but I am not. I have changed and so each time I observe I need to see how it fits in with where I am now. One phrase that struck me this year in my reading was that Tisha b'Av is not known about nor observed by many Jews. I wondered if, for those who are aware and yet not observing, is it the mourning part that is not meaningful or interesting? Tisha b'Av comes in the summer after all and who wants to focus on sadness and destruction when for many it is their time for vacation, go to the beach or just relax.  Or maybe it is the destruction of the Temples that is hard to relate to either because it is seems so long ago and too far away? 

During the 9 days I learned how to make no vinegar lacto-fermented pickles.

I let all my info and thoughts just sit and mentally ferment. Tick, tock, I was awaiting a revelation or insight on another way to see the Temple. "Turn it, and turn it, for everything is in it. Reflect on it and grow old and gray with it" Rabbi Ben Bag Bag is quoted in Pirke Avot 5:22. That is just what I did here and then came the light. Of course I could balance the Temples built in Jerusalem of stone with my own personal temple of blood, muscle and bone. I would mourn the destruction of the Temple that has happened in the past with the destruction of my own personal temple happening in the present. Plus instead of just mourning my own temple's neglect I would use the nine days to cleanse it as in the Hanukkah story. Now where would I take my inspiration or direction for cleansing? 

Once during the nine days I was served a delicious vegan Indian style tofu at Kayam Farms.

I continued to channel Rabbi Ben Bag-Bag. What about if I used the very first chapter of the first book of the Torah where in B'reishet (Genesis) it says: 

²⁹ God said, "See, I give you every seed-bearing plant that is upon all the earth, and every tree that has seed-bearing fruit; they shall be yours for food. ³⁰ And to all the animals on land, to all the birds of the sky, and to everything that creeps on earth, in which there is the breath of life, [I give] all the green plants for food." And it was so. 

This text would be my kavanah, my intention or direction of the heart. For the nine days I would cleanse my body temple by not only eliminating meat and wine per tradition from my meals but also any animal products or food containing animal products. Yes for the nine days I would observe a strictly vegan diet as it seems to be what was originally intended at least according to the Torah. As I observed this diet and dealt with changes in meal planning, shopping and eating out I would use it as sparks to reflect on how I could better treat this body temple. 

I baked these vegan challah rolls using flax meal instead of eggs as a binder.

At the end of each day I reflected and wrote about the experience posting those thoughts on Facebook. I am not going to reproduce everything but here are a few observations. The experience seemed to be one of those where you think "why haven't I done this before. It seems so obvious?!" My usual diet is a lacto-ovo pesco vegetarian diet of dairy, eggs, fish etc. with some "happy" or free-range kosher meat thrown in here and there. Now it is clear how much I depend on dairy and eggs for the large part of my meals. I need to work on making each meal more about the vegetables. Those nine days were the hardest when I wasn't making my own meals. When I have traveled to Asian countries vegetables really take center stage even in the morning but that isn't true here. As with my own meals meatless meals may have veggies but most also have cheese, eggs or both as well.  I am going to try and be more diligent about providing vegetables for myself when I eat and getting veggies into the main ring for others too. 

The land of milk and honey? Here are some of the milk replacements I tried.

Eating vegan for the nine days didn't make me a vegan for life however it certainly gave me something to thing about. Who knows but that I may incorporate eating vegan if not totally then perhaps now and then. We shall see.

Transformations

(the early morning sky outside Union Station train station in Washington, DC)

Transformations. I have always loved the time of sunrise and sunset partly because of the way the sky gets transformed. It may be colors, or perhaps with clouds or just that the light seems unique and special. I am thinking about transformations in this moment for several reasons. One is that I called in a kitchen designer to help me transform my kitchen. It isn't  as though this just came to me. As with most of my decisions I think about them and hold them in my head, hands and heart until some inner voice says "go".The final deciding factor about the kitchen was that the dish washer stopped working a year ago and 3 of my 4 stove tops stopping working too. Kind of a fun challenge to have dinner parties and figure out the menu and cooking order with just a working oven and one stove cooker.

 (Clay pots formed but not finished at the Indians at Acoma, NM)

The second thing that has me focusing on transformations is my work. At the end of the school year our director announced that everyone would be moving to a new classroom. I started thinking of what I could get rid of just as one does in any move. I thought about what might I would want to do to the new space, change it, alter it and/or add to it. I even began sitting in the new space to get the feeling of it in my bones. Now it seems we may not move at all. We may just stay in the same classroom however I have all this great moving energy created and I don't want to waste it. So today I started moving that energy and eye back on my regular classroom asking the same questions that I asked about the new classroom. What would make being in the classroom better for others (the students and parents)? What would make being in the classroom better for my assistant and I?

(Two finished clay pieces from the Indians of Acoma, NM that I purchased)

The third thing that has me thinking about transformations is death. Seven years ago on Tuesday my good friend Lisa Kapin died at the age of 42 of cancer. My friend Sue Fendrick's brother Alan Fendrick just died of cancer at the age of 48. Sue has been writing of her experience of going on without her brother. As I read the her posts I reflect on my own experiences with death, of my father, of my cousin and of my friends. I think about my reactions to those deaths and what happened to me as a result. When I studied Jewish chant with Rabbi Shefa Gold she would tell us to notice how a chant had changed us. She would say to ask yourself this question in the silence after the chant,  to ask yourself what has changed from how you were before you began the chant and how has the chant changed you. It is good to ask yourself that question I think. Transformations.

Sophie Silfen; Living a life of Intention

This brief piece of writing is dedicated to Sophie Silfen who died in her sleep at the age of 97 just two weeks ago. I met Sophie when I began working at Gan HaYeled pre-school. She volunteered every Monday as a helper in the Triangle class with Mary Lynn. Sophie would greet the children as they came, set up cups and napkins for snack and wash the dirty dishes afterwards. When noon came she would leave and go on to whatever she had planned for the rest of her day. Sophie was not interested in getting her photo taken but I managed twice to get her to pose for me; once when she was wearing some pearls and once on a motorcycle during our school Truck day. I managed to take a photo of her hugging the children when she wasn't looking.

Sophie was born in New York city in 1913. She spent 23 years in the army and retired as a Master Sergeant. For most of the 14 years I knew her Sophie lived by herself in an apartment not too far from synagogue and not too far from where I live. We often met on the L2 bus en route to work or when I would be coming home. I know Sophie came to Adas Israel to be part of the prayer minyan at least once a week and to volunteer to answer phones at the front desk on Sundays. One time she listed all the places where she volunteered, going somewhere different everyday. She would tell me about swimming laps early in the morning at the local college pool and going for movies or lectures at the Library of Congress. There were also the bus trips on Greyhound taken to New York city to visit her "baby" sister and the occasional flight when she was invited for a bar or bat mitzvah.

I never heard Sophie complain and never heard her say she was going to do something she didn't do. Everyday was a day to be lived, to make a plan and then follow through. Don't think about doing but just do it. Once when I mentioned watching something on TV she told me she was too busy to bother with television so she didn't own one. Sophie never married but she touched so many children's lives and so many adults as well. If I can live my life with as much intention as Sophie and as fully as she did, it will be a blessed life. Sophie Silfen, your memory is indeed a blessing.

DLTI-6; Shabbat Kodesh (holy shabbas)

Another blog entry begun with good intentions to post immediately but needing days to truly reflect and finish. So I am now back in DC as I but I really wanted to write about our first DLTI-6 holy shabbas while everything is fresh in my mind. I have decided to leave the verb tenses just as they where when I wrote each section of this post and I hope it won't bother you.

**************************************

Oh my gosh, it is Saturday night after an incredible havdallah and there are lots of goodbyes going on even though most of us won’t be leaving until tomorrow after lunch. Of course I realize I am ahead of myself so let me go back. Yesterday we all gathered before the sun set, most of us dressed in white, at the main building to light candles. That is me and my room mate in the photo above. There were several trays of tea lights on a table and we moved up in little waves to take turns lighting and saying the b’racha. After we headed over to the synagogue to begin kabbalat Shabbat which was led by Reb Marcia, Reb Shawn, Hazzan Jack and a woman named Ronit.

When I tell you there was lots of music and dancing for kabbalat Shabbat I have to add that the singing is extra special. Normally when you pick a tune to sing chances are some people will know it and some will learn it and some won't do either. Here people either know the tunes or are enthusiastic to try and learn because of course it is a select group. There are also many students with fine singing voices which is another plus. The sound wraps around and over and even goes through you. Occasionally we move from loudly spiritual to just loud however it is coming from a soul full place. By the way since it was Shabbat I couldn’t take photos so instead I decided to put photos here that were taken this week. Many of them are of our meals and the book, siddur or chumash I was reading at the time. I hope you will enjoy looking at the meal photos as much as I enjoyed the holy eating!

Forgot to mention about the eruv here at Isabella Freedman. In case you don’t know about an eruv, it is an enclosure around a home or community. It enables the carrying of objects out of doors for Jews on shabbat that would otherwise be forbidden by Torah law. Without an eruv, Torah-observant Jews would be unable to carry things in their pockets making it difficult for many to leave home. In public areas where it is impractical to put up walls, doorways are made out of rope and posts. It was announced at lunch that some guests may not have realized that the ropes were part of the eruv for they had put wet swimsuits on it to dry mistaking it for a clothesline. It was requested the suits come off and that no one else put clothes on the eruv. At the time of the announcement I hadn't really noticed how the eruv here was set up. Later when I took a walk I could see why some would take it for a clothesline.

The services, both daily and shabbat, whether led by DLTI students or by our holy teachers are open to anyone who is attending the center. At kabbalat shabbat I found myself looking around at the faces of some non-DLTI people in the synagogue and wondered how they were finding it. I thought most of the kabbalat service was fairly traditional and comfortable. After having spent years praying from various siddurim I now use a small hand sized Artscroll Interlinear. It has the English directly underneath the Hebrew, going in the same right to left direction and the font is bigger than the standard Artscroll. It makes it easy for me to look at the meaning of a Hebrew word I don't know plus the smallish size makes it easy to hold in my hands. When I go to services where they are using a different siddur I will hold mine and put the other one on a chair beside me in case of additions not in mine. For kabbalat Shabbat we were using the siddur that Reb Marcia has written and most everyone was using it.

After services we had a lovely dinner with wine, challah and chicken. The place was packed and the ruach was high. We were so excited I think because of our intense week together and after birkat hamazon some headed for the couches to continue talking while others, like myself headed off a wonderful sleep. In the morning I had intentions to go to an early morning movement class. Instead I went over to the dock and watched the sun come up over the trees shining on the mist on the lake water. God feels so close. God is so close. In the cabins all around you know are the sleeping souls of DLTI students and others who have come to the retreat, so you aren't really alone. So peaceful. Some of the geese were sitting on the dock with me and I looked through my Kol Zimra book of chants trying to find one that was happy in the spirit for Shabbat. “Sasson v'simcha yimtza bah, todah v'kol zimra” (gladness and joy shall abide there, thanksgiving, and the sound of music) was the one I picked. I sent the sound over the lake all the way to the red yurt where the movement class was being held. it wasn’t until Reb Marcia did her d'var Torah later in the morning that I discovered this chant was the last line of today’s haftorah! Talk about a “wow” moment.

Shabbas morning prayer was glorious and my channel to the Divine was open and clear. There was no taping allowed and I am finding it hard to remember exactly what we did other than that it was Reb Marcia and Hazzan Jack that led. Ahhhh. There was only one small thing that happened that gave me any reason for regret and that was during the torah service. In case you haven't experienced Jewish Renewal aliyot one of the leaders or readers will give a summary of the part next being read and have then ask for people to come up that feel this is speaking to them. I had just assumed I would go up for one of the aliyot. After all it was our first DLTI shabbat together and the parsha was so rich. However the kavannot turned out to be so specific that I couldn't find my way into one and I didn't go up. While I felt sad about this later on one of the other students mentioned that because the kavannot had been so specific she HAD gone up. The same words were heard and yet we had two entirely different responses to them. A reminder that this reaction will be found in any congregation or group we might lead. Part of the training then, for me anyway, will be to figure out how to include as many as possible whether it be with song, silence, aliyot etc.

The weather was perfect, sunny but not too hot and with a cool breeze. We had a nice lunch and I was torn between sleeping, swimming and hiking to the overlook. I weighed over each possible choice deciding I could always sleep or swim. The eruv doesn't go that far so I went and left all of my things in my room. When I couldn't find anyone to walk with I left word with several people including my room mate where I was going just in case I had any trouble. I walked and sang going past the red yurt and onto the path into the trees. The first section of the path has moss on the ground, the second has grass and leaves and the last part is just pine needles. I climbed up and up with Aharon, Moshe and Ezekiel coming to mind. Would there be a chariot awaiting me when I stepped out into the light or a notice from Hashem that my time was up? I saw the big flat stones and as I walked out the sound of a small plane engine caught my ear and the red color of the plane caught my eye. The plane came straight towards the overlook. My body froze for what seemed like forever but was only a moment. Then the plane swooped up and to the left. The sun was hot and my view was of green pastures, roads and houses. In my hands I was holding gratitude.

I meditated for 30 minutes and then descended back into the cool woods. When I was half way down the path I saw two others on their way up. For a moment I thought of climbing back up, realized I didn't have time and continued down. Just as well since the mincha service was soon to start. It proved to be lovely. I really have enjoyed the week of student services as they tell you so much about the leader. The day had been so restful but the energy started gearing up as we first ate dinner and then went to the synagogue where Yofiyah was leading an hour of her Jewish kirtan chants. If you aren't familiar with her music you can search for it on the web. Kirtan is devotional call and response chants. A friend took me to see Yofiyah in DC several years ago and not only did I buy an album but began using her "Oseh Shalom" chant in my Tot Shabbat services. Yofiyah and another girl sang while others including Jack played instruments.

When she was finished students took over to lead ma'ariv and then Reb Shawn directed us back to the main lounge so we could do havdalah. Reb Marcia led this service and all of us were holding hands or hugging as we smelled the spices and held our fingers up to catch the reflection of the candle light. Shavua tov, a good week, we said to each other. When Yonatan, who works at the center, came by I whispered to him that sadly Mashiach hadn't come. He whispered back that Mashiach is always here. Did I think that Mashiach was lazy? No, it isn't that Mashiach isn't here but only that we are not yet able to see him. The lights went on and out came ice cream and toppings. Yummy and a sweet way into the new week. For those who wanted there was an open mike night and though I had some thoughts of songs that would be fun to sing for the group I choose to sit and let the moments of the week seep into my bones. Shavua tov indeed. A good week.

DLTI-Food for the Body & Food for the Soul

I started writing this first DLTI retreat report Wednesday, Yom Revii, when the torah says God created the sun, moon and planets. Here it is almost shabbas and I am determined to finish the holy work (smile). Here at the Isabella Freedman Jewish Retreat Center there is no end to light being created, reflected and absorbed.

Light comes from the center itself which has a sign when you drive up saying “We are blessed by your arrival.” Imagine that everywhere you went you were welcomed in this manner. Something to think about. I may have to post such a sign on my door when I get home. The food served here is great and nutritious. Every meal includes fresh salad bar with lots of ingredients many of which are grown right here. Yummy breakfasts of fresh fruit, whole grains, French toast, pancakes, cereals. Lunch usually has a wonderful soup and fresh baked bread while dinners include Mexican tortillas, beans and rice and Indian veggies like dal. One night we even had this wonderful salmon. You many wonder about the importance I am placing on the meals but you can’t shine if you don’t have energy and that takes good fuel. Enough said.

Light comes from our teachers, Reb Marcia, Reb Shawn, and Hazzan Jack, each of whom push us to stretch our souls, our ideas and our confidence. Reb Marcia is teaching us to slow down, think about the words of prayers we recite and focus on opening the channel to the Divine. Reb Shawn has written a lot of liturgical music, plays guitar and is helpful in explaining how music can enhance or distract in the service. Jack is a talented hazzan, musician and not only knows the nusach but is able to show and teach it to us. The three of them overlap in helping us, prodding us and mentoring us. Of course there needs to be someone who makes sure all the other retreat and group “stuff” is gets down and Daniel, who is a doctor in his other life, is doing that, taking care of us in direct ways and being a listening ear when we need it.

Light is radiating out of my fellow DLTI students too. These 62 souls are as full of talent as the peach my holy brother Avishai picked me from one of the trees was full of juice. With such a big group I haven’t connected with everyone or even learned everyone’s name yet. Some are rabbis and cantors and some are on their way to being rabbis and cantors. We stood in a line according to age and discovered that one student is 20 and all the ages were covered up to 70ty. We are a mixture of professions and we are from the USA, Canada and beyond. It is wonderful to be among so many as interested in services and prayer as me and I am looking forward to getting to know everyone during these retreats.

This program focuses on prayer and prayer leadership skills so of course we students are leading most of the services. We received a sign-up sheet in an email and I quickly talked to my future DLTI room mate who lives near me and suggested we sign up for the first morning service. It seemed a good idea to seize the moment, carpe diem, and not wait to get assigned. She agreed and I immediately sent a note to Daniel. We were assigned the service as well as a third partner from Berkley. It was interesting but challenging to work in a partnership. I am used to leading services alone and not collaborating. In phone calls and emails we discovered many of our service ideas were 180 degrees different. How could we ever make this work? Each of us had something specific we wanted to lead or teach. We talked about what had to be included and what could be left out. We fought and compromised but the service we led was fantastic.

I led chanting with my shruti, my holy sister used her drum and led teachings and my holy brother did a wonderful seven directions movement prayer. The synagogue space is beautiful with lots of windows through which you see the trees and the sun. Yes back to the idea of light! It wasn’t perfect but if it was why would I be here? After we did the service we re-did it in a lab and Reb Marcia and Reb Shawn gave us ideas in what we could to improve. Each of the services has had a lab afterwards however the mincha and maariv labs were done only with the students involved while the shacharit labs are done in front of the whole group as a teaching tool. As confident as I am I will admit it was scary sitting in the hot seat with Reb Marcia as your prayer angel. I think I may have to make buttons with Reb Marcia and Reb Shawn’s faces on them and the words “I was blessed by Reb Shawn and Reb Marcia during a shacharit lab at DLTI-6”! Even if I did get a bit defensive and lost all my thoughts at one point I also learned a lot.

I haven’t finished but shabbas will be here in an hour and I have to go shower and get dressed. Hopefully these words carry joy and light and love to all of you who choose to read them.